You are now a Widow, a word you never thought you would have to use, but here you are a widow, and you hate it. You feel lonely and isolated. No matter how many children, friends and relatives you have around you, you feel alone. You not only feel alone, but you feel that a part of you is missing. No matter how liberated or independent you are, you feel that a part of you is missing. You feel this way because you are now a widow, the part of yourself that you invested in your relationship also dies. When you mourn the death of a spouse, you also mourn the death of a part of yourself. Whether you were married six months or sixty years, for that time you were known to most of your friends as “Jane and Bill.” You thought of yourselves as “we,” and now you have to think of yourself as a “me”.
How do you do that? How do you think of yourself as a “me”
GUILT FEELINGS
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. Feeling guilty nearly always comes with the death of someone you love.
“If I had only arrived home earlier, maybe this would not have happened.”
“I should have told him more often that I loved him”
“If only I had spent more time with him”
Here’s the thing, you are angry with yourself because you did not do everything that maybe you should have done during your spouse’s life to let him know that you cared and loved them.
It’s okay to be angry with yourself, accept it and give yourself permission to feel it, use this anger to learn from. Do not use it to feel guilty and cause yourself more depression. Feeling guilty serves no purpose at all, except to keep you feeling bad. Feeling guilty is totally useless, no amount of guilt can change anything in the past. All it does, is keep you stuck in your grief like a hamster on a wheel.
Never allow yourself to start any statement with “I should have…” or “If only…”
When you look back over your life, I know there are many times when in hindsight, you could have done something different, however, here’s the thing, you did the best you could with what you had at the time.
For example – “If only I had bought that property when I had the chance, I could be a millionaire now that property prices have exploded” It’s the same with the death of your spouse. If you feel you made a wrong decision or judgment, stop beating yourself up. It is what it is, you cannot go back and change it. Just know that you did the best you could with what you had at the time. Forgive yourself.
WEARING ROSE COLOURED GLASSES
As widows, we often block out the challenging times we had in our relationship, and let’s be real, all relationships have challenges, we only see the good times, the amazing provider, father, husband, etc. he was. All of his faults have been forgotten. Three months ago, you may have been telling your neighbour how your spouse was lazy, drank too much, was verbally abusive, and never paid the bills. Today, all you can talk about to the same neighbour is how wonderful he was. He is now on a pedestal.
Not only are the memories good ones, but sometimes they are recalled as being even better than they were at the time. This is your way of helping you bear the pain you are feeling. You are probably not even aware that you are doing this, unless, others point it out to you. If they do, just ask them to bear with you, because, it is necessary for you to go through and feel these emotions.
This too, will pass.
The most difficult thing of all— yet the most essential— is to love life, even when you suffer, because life is all. ~ Leo Tolstoy
Imagine thinking about your husband and partner without feeling guilty, broken hearted and in pain.
Imagine living and loving to the fullest even if you think its impossible.
What would that be like for you?
Have you reached a crossroads and you want to release your guilt so that you can step into your new normal with love and hope for your future
Schedule a FREE breakthrough call with me where we will go through where you are now in your grief journey, what’s keeping you stuck and where you want to be. https://meetme.so/DeniseDielwart
Denise Dielwart – Widows Living Beyond Grief and Loss
I lost my spouse last month, and the guilt just eats away at me, no matter how many times I tell myself it isn’t so. The wrong spouse was taken. If there is a possibility of feeling guilt free, I pray it comes. I don’t want to go on without him. What choice do I have though. Your site/FB Group, is where I go to understand my emotions. I don’t think you realize how many people you are really saving from just jumping over the edge. Thank you for that.
I feel your pain, Ive been living with the overwhelming loss four five months. With triggers to set off crying and agony that takes over every ability to express how I feel. I want so very much to be gone from this world and with my husband of 55 years. The God of my life hasn’t fit to take me, so now I need to go on. I am praying that This can help me do just that. God bless you all.
Thank you! This popped up on my FB messenger at just the right time. I’ve been widow for 5 yrs now after a 45 yr marriage. I lost my husband to cancer, then used all my money to stay in our house when I should have sold it immediately & gitten a smaller house. Now I have no money, other than my Social Security, no house, no mate & living in a bedroom at my son’s family’s house. Feeling lonely and in the way, unappreciated, I don’t know what to do anymore. I always feel resentful at God for his death & guilty that I’m still here. My husband is the one who everyone loved, who made the money & I was just a partner in his life, which I loved being. Now I’m nothing & cant even support myself after raising 5 children & being an awesome mom& homemaker for my family. Children all grown & don’t need me, husband gone. I feel useless & simply in the way here.
I don’t know how lucky I am to have only suffered my loss for five months, but the triggers of my previous life overwhelm me constantly. The pain is impossible to live with. All I want is to be gone from this world and with the only man I ever loved. God chose to keep me here. I’m praying that this will help me pick up my life up and go on. I am alone with no close friends, no family….my husband was so sick that we moved to be closer to his great cancer doctor…after eight years my husband died. I was in a battle I fought for him, with him, but LOST THE WAR. I feel like the biggest loser in this life. Now I am faced with finding a way to go on without my only support system(my husband). I guess there is a reason why I am here, I just need to find it. I hope and pray for you and hope that this course Living Beyond Grief brings me what I need. I am starting it this week and praying that it does for me what I need.
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I didn’t realize how guilt could effect me, but the what if’s and if only have started to effect my progress My husband was one of the most health conscious people you’d know. Ran marathons, climbed mountains, never smoked, drank he was the kindest person I have ever known. Helped many people I didn’t know of until after his death. We were married 40 years and looking forward to retirement. Within 6 months he died of a rare heart vessel cancer, was never diagnosed until autopsy. He went through four surgeries.
This is where the guilt comes in, I should have stopped the care and took him home. I know he made the decisions even though I told him it was okay to stop. I guess he thought he owed it to himself to try everything and surgeons thought they would have an answer. I should have been told the true status he would not recover just keep operating. I’m a pretty positive person have moved forward in a lot of ways but this keeps dragging me back. Getting that picture of the hospital out of my head. I’m having surgery next months when I went to the hospital I nearly had a panic attack just walking in the place but got control I need this shoulder replacement surgery. How do I move forward from this.
Alice, Guilt if left unchecked will eat away at you with out you even realizing it. Its all beneath the surface and it rears its ugly head and is triggered when you least expect it, such as, panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I would love to go into more detail on how I can help you, and explain more. Please schedule a free breakthrough call with me. I call you at the time you choose. Here’s my the link to my diary http://www.livingbeyondgriefandloss.com/talk.