You are now a Widow, a word you never thought you would have to use, but here you are a widow, and you hate it. You feel lonely and isolated. No matter how many children, friends and relatives you have around you, you feel alone. You not only feel alone, but you feel that a part of you is missing. No matter how liberated or independent you are, you feel that a part of you is missing. You feel this way because you are now a widow, the part of yourself that you invested in your relationship also dies. When you mourn the death of a spouse, you also mourn the death of a part of yourself. Whether you were married six months or sixty years, for that time you were known to most of your friends as “Jane and Bill.” You thought of yourselves as “we,” and now you have to think of yourself as a “me”.
How do you do that? How do you think of yourself as a “me”
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. Feeling guilty nearly always comes with the death of someone you love.
“If I had only arrived home earlier, maybe this would not have happened.”
“I should have told him more often that I loved him”
“If only I had spent more time with him”
Here’s the thing, you are angry with yourself because you did not do everything that maybe you should have done during your spouse’s life to let him know that you cared and loved them.
It’s okay to be angry with yourself, accept it and give yourself permission to feel it, use this anger to learn from. Do not use it to feel guilty and cause yourself more depression. Feeling guilty serves no purpose at all, except to keep you feeling bad. Feeling guilty is totally useless, no amount of guilt can change anything in the past. All it does, is keep you stuck in your grief like a hamster on a wheel.
Never allow yourself to start any statement with “I should have…” or “If only…”
When you look back over your life, I know there are many times when in hindsight, you could have done something different, however, here’s the thing, you did the best you could with what you had at the time.
For example – “If only I had bought that property when I had the chance, I could be a millionaire now that property prices have exploded” It’s the same with the death of your spouse. If you feel you made a wrong decision or judgment, stop beating yourself up. It is what it is, you cannot go back and change it. Just know that you did the best you could with what you had at the time. Forgive yourself.
WEARING ROSE COLOURED GLASSES
As widows, we often block out the challenging times we had in our relationship, and let’s be real, all relationships have challenges, we only see the good times, the amazing provider, father, husband, etc. he was. All of his faults have been forgotten. Three months ago, you may have been telling your neighbour how your spouse was lazy, drank too much, was verbally abusive, and never paid the bills. Today, all you can talk about to the same neighbour is how wonderful he was. He is now on a pedestal.
Not only are the memories good ones, but sometimes they are recalled as being even better than they were at the time. This is your way of helping you bear the pain you are feeling. You are probably not even aware that you are doing this, unless, others point it out to you. If they do, just ask them to bear with you, because, it is necessary for you to go through and feel these emotions.
This too, will pass.
The most difficult thing of all— yet the most essential— is to love life, even when you suffer, because life is all. ~ Leo Tolstoy
Imagine thinking about your husband and partner without feeling guilty, broken hearted and in pain.
Imagine living and loving to the fullest even if you think its impossible.
What would that be like for you?
Have you reached a crossroads and you want to release your guilt so that you can step into your new normal with love and hope for your future
Schedule a FREE breakthrough call with me where we will go through where you are now in your grief journey, what’s keeping you stuck and where you want to be. https://meetme.so/DeniseDielwart
Denise Dielwart – Widows Living Beyond Grief and Loss